Things are getting real

Monday, October 17, 2016

It's fall in the Texas Panhandle. That means harvest time, y'all. Sorry, I had to. And as you can tell, we're getting closer to meeting our little pumpkin! 


This time of year also means added patience and sacrifice for our household. I'm starting to think about all that I need to do as we prepare to relocate to Houston for a baby's arrival. Meanwhile, Walter is working day and night to harvest our livelihood. For those not in the "ag-loop" (ahh, I remember those days), farmers like my husband spend weeks, sometimes months, harvesting their year's work. The window for planting crops, caring for them as they grow, and then getting them out of the ground is extremely narrow. That's what makes this time of year so crucial. Nearly every meal he eats comes in hand-held form. It's scarfed down while he rides down a bumpy corn field. He gets home dirty and exhausted. We see each other for only minutes each day. It isn't an ideal situation for any wife at 32 weeks pregnant. Yet it's a worthwhile trade-off. This life offers breaks at other important times of the year and centers around the fading small town lifestyle, we feel, is ideal for raising a family.

The farm should slow down by the time our little guy is set to arrive. But leaving work behind is going to be extremely difficult for the both of us. I've been thinking about my students more lately, the impact they've made on my life. I've started to realize how much of my ability to cope has come from them. My son's heart defect was diagnosed a week before school started. I wondered how I would make it through each day. I feared bursting into tears as I attempted to teach my classes. It seemed like terrible timing. Then school started and things were fine! Who would've thought? The remedy to heart-breaking news...teenagers! They keep me on my toes. They make me laugh. My energies shift to them, their needs, their lives. And they're not just teenagers. They're sympathetic, kind human beings when they want to be. They even put together this beautiful prayer jar full of sincere wishes for our little family...


I'm truly going to miss my students during my time off this school year. It's all going to be a very big change living in Houston. How long? We still don't know, and we will not know. Not even the best surgeons in the world can predict the outcomes of heart surgery on a newborn baby. Just as we have been, we need to take things day by day.

A lot of you have been wanting to know more information or what exactly is wrong with our little guy's heart. The reason I've been holding back is because technical, scary terms don't really matter. They only matter to the medical team that will be treating his defects. Yes, defects. There are multiple problems with his heart. This is usually the case when it comes to serious heart malformation. When one thing goes wrong...other things can follow suit. Plus, it's worth mentioning that we've had many different diagnosis over the past few months. What we do know 100 percent is that our child's heart will not function properly when he's born. Surgery is a matter of life or death for our baby. Less important details can be discussed later.

This journey has started to make me think about my old job. A former health reporter, I knew a little bit about heart defects from stories I'd done. And despite my experiences, I'm embarrassed to say, I was still fairly clueless. I thought...you know...that something weird must've caused them. Oh, the mother must've been on some kind of medication. Oh, it must run in the family. Etc. These things do happen but are usually not the case. I haven't had as much as a baby Tylenol for the past 7 months! And Walter and I have no close family members with known heart defects! This is what makes this situation ultra sobering. We are merely a statistic. We've listened to five different doctors and a genetic counselor tell us, "this is just a random event." It's an explanation that's been given to countless other families before us. We won a really messed up version of the lottery. And though cases as severe as our son's are extremely rare, heart defects in general really aren't. They happen to 1 in 100 babies! Knowing this stat wouldn't have changed anything, but it could've helped us to more quickly accept that we aren't freaks. We didn't do anything wrong and there's no sense in continuing to question our circumstance. It's just something that happens.

Sooooo before I sign off, I gotta get to the good stuff...we've FINALLY chosen a name for our little heart warrior. Drum roll, pleaseeee!

Many of you know about the indisputable prerequisite that his initials be W.A.S., like his own father, his grandfather, and many Spurlock men before them. It was too sweet of a tradition to pass up! We like William for it's classic, strong tone. Walter's great grandfather, one of the first to live and farm up in the Texas Panhandle, was named William. Adding to the greatness...MY great grandfather was also named William! Very fitting.  Soooo, what about Agustin? Well, it's also strong and classic. It passes the "A" test, and reflects my Hispanic heritage. I also happen to have two students named Agustin. And while I would never say I named a child after any of my students (that's just not fair), they're both great kids! 

So there you have it, a solid update! As always, pray for us and our little "Augie." Can we make that work? Pray for our transition as we prepare to relocate to Houston in November. Pray for his birth and that it pose limited complications. Pray for his medical team and the surgeons who will be mending his sweet little heart. Pray for his parents, that we continue to be strong and hopeful every step of the way! Thanks for reading as always. -Nicole


Our New Normal

Monday, September 19, 2016

It was all so surreal. Walter and I gazed out the window of a 20th floor conference room awaiting one of the surgeons who could potentially be operating on our brand new baby in a few months. I thought to myself--What on earth are we doing here? We weren't supposed to be waiting for our third appointment that day...watching a massive crane make add-ons to an already gigantic hospital in Houston. We weren't supposed to be planning on spending an unusually large amount of time at said gigantic hospital. We weren't supposed to having a child that will likely require multiple heart surgeries to live, yet there we were.

Doctors. Waiting rooms. Ultrasounds. Paper work. Nurses. Technicians. Receptionists. Elevators. Parking. More doctors. More ultrasounds. All of a sudden, these things became our new normal. I've had to say goodbye to stresses and joys of a typical first pregnancy. I've let go of fearing needle pricks, stress tests and even labor. It's strange how real emotional trauma involving someone you care for so deeply will suddenly toughen you up. I'm not saying I won't freak out when I actually have to deliver the kid, but that's not what keeps me up at night. Instead what consumes my thoughts is his health, his needs. The images I've created in my brain of a sweet little baby connected to wires and tubes for an unforeseen amount of time. The thought of any of his health problems holding him back in life. That is what really frightens me now.



The night before our first visit to Texas Children's, we decided to kill some time in the big city by doing something "normal" like test driving strollers. It was so fun. No really, I'm not being sarcastic. I get watery eyed thinking about how much I enjoyed discussing the features of each stroller, watching Walter practice snapping in the car seat. These are little moments I may have taken for granted had we not received the diagnosis of our baby's heart defect. Now we dream of the day we get to take him for his first spin...hoping it's not too far into the future. 

So now that we've met the doctors, do we know how long it will take for our baby to be all better and out of the hospital? Nope. We have no earthly idea. Here is what we do know: Baby is coming and in order to have all of the right people in place, we will have to relocate to Houston by mid November. We know that he will need surgical intervention within the first few days of his birth. We know he will again need a more complicated surgery a few months later. We know that we have sought out the best people in the world to care for our little guy. We know that uprooting our lives and spending so much time away from home is absolutely the best decision we can make right now. We know everything will one day make sense and that all of our hearts will be mended and whole. 

Until then, we're attempting to "make lemonade." We're enjoying day to day interactions and typical extracurriculars like heading down to Lubbock to watch the Red Raiders. We're joyfully feeling for kicks and holding each other a little more tightly. That's another positive that's come out of this. I feel closer to my husband having to go through something so emotionally tolling so early in our marriage. We also feel more connected to friends and the community. After my first blog post, the prayers and wishes have been endless. Our church (as well as others in town) has shown us so much love. They even made us this beautiful prayer blanket and we won't head to Houston without it!


We never thought we wanted any of this "attention" that is often confused as sympathy. Now that we're receiving it, it feels more like a "We've got your back!" We feel so thankful for the special individuals who spent time praying over the blanket as they assembled each personalized square. It's hard to tell from the photo but the its got tractors, golf, corn, Texas Tech and even "abc's" for the teacher in the house. So so sweet. It's a great example of the type of support we need right now. It's warm, comforting and encouraging. It's also a constant reminder that God comes before us always. We are not alone nor should we be afraid. 

This post could really go on and on because a lot has happened since the last time I blogged. The delay is mostly thanks to school. Oh-how's that going? It's going great! Being back in my classroom has been a much needed mental distraction. My students and co-workers still need me, despite what's happening in my personal life. It feels good to focus my energy on them and not dwell on what I can't control 24/7. 

Soooo with that, I'll start to wrap this up. I'm working on a new name for this page. Panhandle Princesa was super cute for when I thought it would be all about traveling, food, teaching Spanish, being a "prissy lady" and a farm wife. But obviously, my platform has shifted. Please bear with my misfit of a header for now. More importantly, I will also keep you posted on what we decide on for a BABY NAME! Not there yet...but getting close! Oh one more thing. I'm finally entering the THIRD trimester. Woo hoo! 

Again, thank you for the prayers and love. Please please please keep them coming. Right now we are asking that they be focused on the longevity and health of the pregnancy. Pray baby Spurlock stays in my belly for as long as he wants! Pray for his growth. Pray that we will be safe and protected in the hands of Houston's finest. Pray for baby's speedy healing and recovery. Pray that someday in the not-too-distant future we will be able to come HOME and introduce the little guy to life on the Panhandle! 


IT'S A...

Saturday, August 27, 2016

I keep thinking about the day I heard Syrian refugee and swimmer Yusra Mardini's interview during the Olympics. It was the same day I talked about in my first post. You know, the one where I couldn't stop crying on the couch. Thought after thought fueled my emotions--Why aren't we capable of having a healthy baby like everyone else we know? What more could I have possibly done to prevent this heart defect? How the heck am I gonna get through the rest of this pregnancy knowing what I know? 

I still credit Walter with ultimately getting me to stop sobbing and get off the coach...but there's a little more to the story. Right around the time he held me and tried to cheer me up, I stopped drowning out the TV just enough to hear Mardini say this:

"When you have a problem in your life, it doesn’t mean you have to sit around and cry like babies or something. The problem was the reason I am here, and why I am stronger and want to reach my goals. So I want to inspire everyone that [they] can do what they believe in their hearts.”

Wow. The timing was impeccable. I had, in fact, been sitting around all day crying like a baby. It's as if this Syrian refugee, who had to swim to save her life, was speaking directly to me. I really had no choice but to laugh and think--Man, she is soooo right. 

That was nearly a month ago. This is now. I still break down every now and then. Staying strong, being resilient and keeping my faith is so HARD sometimes. It's much easier to weep and simmer in negative emotions. It's painful seeing my husband suffer through them too, wishing we could be like other couples we know. I find myself longing for common mommyhood problems. What I would give to trade all of this for a kid that keeps us up all night long (which we could still have)! I'm still having to work on keeping that terrible feeling of envy out of my life. But I would bet big bucks that any other mommy or daddy that has been in our shoes has felt the same way. 

So here we go again. This is the part where I STOP crying like a baby and I talk about something positive. Walter and I decided to find out what we were having after all! It was a bittersweet decision because I know he was so excited at the thought of a surprise. But I was afraid one of the countless doctors, technicians or nurses would blow it by accident. Plus, I think finding out and choosing a name could really benefit our amazing prayer army. We'll keep you posted on that! :) 

So we had our big "reveal" in the comfort of our living room. It was a party for three (us and Django). We finally opened the little card sent by the doctor's office. It was a sweet moment I will cherish for a long time! And here's the verdict... 


Coincidentally, I'd bought all of these outfits before I knew anything. So I guess you could say I had a hunch! We are delighted to be having a little mini Walter! 

In the next few weeks we will be visiting the surgeons that will save our baby boy's life. I have every faith in them and feel excited about what they will have to say. It's also worth mentioning that I know this kid is a fighter. He never stops moving! Every one keeps saying that's a great sign, so that's what I'm taking it as! 

I'm gonna wrap this up by saying thank you. Thank you to everyone who has taken the time to read my blog. Thanks to everyone who commented, messaged, called and wrote. We truly appreciate the caring attitudes and prayers. Your faith and encouragement lifts us up when we are feeling weak. This baby is a huge blessing to us and I know in time we will fully understand God's plan for our family. Please, keep all the good vibes coming! 






The Heartbreak of My Life

Sunday, August 21, 2016

Introduction 

Up until a few weeks ago life felt nothing short of perfect. I laid in bed with my husband and our dog, rubbed my pregnant belly, and thought about how I got to be so lucky. I had finished up my second year of teaching, taken some of my students on an educational tour to Spain, and my first pregnancy was going as smooth as the summer.


As the month of July came to a close, I was due for my 20-week pregnancy scan. Walter and I had decided we weren't going to find out the sex of the baby because we thought it would be fun to ditch the "gender reveal" trend for the old tradition of dad getting to announce--IT'S A BOY/GIRL! Plus we both agreed it didn't matter what we were having as long as he or she was healthy. Walter's sister was home for a visit and the three of us giggled at cute sonogram images of our little one wiggling around, legs extended all the way to their head. We didn't know the joy and laughter would come to a halt after a curiously long wait to speak with the doctor.


The Truth

After waiting for what seemed to be an eternity, the doctor broke the news. Our baby had a heart defect. The magical cells that made up the perfect baby we saw on the monitor had faced a misstep along the way. I could feel the blood rushing to my head. I felt like vomiting. Every expectant parent's worst nightmare...something was wrong with our baby. A vivid dreamer, I told myself--this isn't real, you'll wake up soon.

Anger

I cried the whole ride home. I woke up the next three mornings in tears at the fact that it still wasn't a dream. I thought about everything I had done so far to ensure a perfect pregnancy: I took prenatal vitamins. I conveniently developed an aversion to alcohol before I found out I was pregnant. I was never a smoker. I worked out as I read it could help make labor easier and curb heart defects (oh the irony). I rested and played golf for relaxation. I drank green smoothies. I slept on my left side. I drastically cut down on caffeine. You get the picture. 

So why? Why???? Why the %&*$ was this happening to us!??? I dared questioning God, why? Why would people who are educated, of the appropriate age, married, prepared, etc., face such a defeat? Why can't I go back to worrying about stretch marks, natural birth vs. c-section, weight gain, baby supplies, maternity leave and decorating the nursery? I mean I had prayed for a child since I can remember. I wasn't fortunate enough to grow up in an extremely stable environment. In lots of ways this molded many of the decisions I made in life. I wanted an education, profession, husband, stability...and a healthy, well-planned-for child. 

The truth is it was simply out of our control. I was silly enough to think these things didn't happen to good people. I was ignorant enough to feel envy for the countless people I knew having healthy babies day after day. I was stubborn enough to waste several days not realizing just how much of a blessing this child is.

Acceptance of our new reality 

The third day I woke up crying, I sat on the couch for hours unable to even get up to eat. Finally my husband looked at me and said--Nicole, you can't go on like this. Get up, get ready and let's go play some golf. Huh, that simple? How can he want to play golf right now? The truth is this isn't easy for him either. His heart is breaking too, but thank goodness he was able to be strong for the both of us in that moment. Something inside of me considered his request and before I knew it, we grabbed some lunch to-go and were cruising around on the golf cart. This was the beginning of the extremely humbling experience of accepting things weren't perfect and enjoying life anyway. 

For the past few weeks it hasn't been easy smiling when people ask--how are mama and baby doing? I consider the response--well baby's heart hasn't formed right and mama is on the verge of losing it. But somehow I've learned to smile and say--oh hanging in there, thanks!

Taking action 

I imagine I'll have much more to say on this subject but here's what's going on for now. We're going to the doctor...a lot. Between our usual appointments close to home and now seeing specialists three hours away. It's very overwhelming but so worth it. It turns out, all of this can be fixed and our blood work shows very little risk for chromosomal abnormalities. 

It won't be an easy process but thank goodness we're equipped to take it on. Our baby is going to need serious surgical intervention so we're already making plans to travel across the state to meet with some of the best surgeons in the world. This means we might have to relocate for the last month of my pregnancy or a few months after baby is born. 

I realize now that this baby is such a blessing and will live a beautiful life no matter what the medical outcome. Many times, people don't have this advanced warning. There are so many possibilities of things going wrong in a pregnancy that we're just lucky this one was caught early. On top of that, we're fortunate we were able to conceive in the first place. 

We already feel comfort in the support we've received from family and close loved ones. Everything is going to be OK. So if you've gotten through this post, we only ask you to do a couple of things. Please treat us the same. Invite us to parties and reach out to us if we randomly cross your mind. It helps so much to feel a sense of normalcy. More importantly, pray. Pray for baby Spurlock's health. Pray our little family maintains its strength. Pray for our doctors. Pray for the technology that caught this and the promises it is making to repair our baby's heart. <3