You find out who your friends are

Sunday, June 4, 2017

True adversity can expose a lot about relationships. Some people just don't know what to say or how to show their support. But that's not where I'm going with this. Because for every negative in this journey, there is something twice as positive. I've reconnected with old friends. I've developed stronger bonds with certain family members. My marriage is solid as a rock. But there's one relationship I've been wanting to single out; it's a friendship Walter and I never knew we couldn't live without.

Dinner with the Pollards this past week
The Pollards were friends of a friend of a friend. Casey and I were connected via Facebook after I broke the news about Augie's CHD in this very way. I wish I had better words to describe this period in my life. Avoiding Thesaurus.com, I'll go with: confusing, devastating. Needless to say, I wasn't too enthused about making connections with other "heart moms." I was still ping-ponging between denial and depression, nowhere close to acceptance.

Yet there was something about Casey that led me to take a chance. We exchanged messages and before I knew it, I had signed myself and Walter up for a double-date when we relocated to Houston. She let me know they were from the area and had gone through the experience of having a baby needing heart surgery at our same hospital about a year prior.

The Pollards showing support and dropping off dinner during Augie's latest hospitalization.
The night we met I was eight months round, anxious and excited. We sat out on the patio of the restaurant, taking advantage of weather only Houston could offer in November. We must've talked for 3-4 hours that night. It honestly could've been longer had it not been for the waitstaff cleaning around us and Casey and Justin needing to get home to their two little boys.

Then Augie was born. My heart could've exploded with all the love I never knew I had to feel. It was the holidays and my baby needed heart surgery. Casey's support was relentless. She checked on me periodically and even sent cookies to the NICU (a treat we all really appreciated being away from home on Christmas). She became someone I could vent to and a source for questions of advice.

Casey meeting Augie for the first time!
Since Augie was discharged, we've had many hangouts. We've even been able to meet their boys now that flu season is over. Our visits are short given Augie's strict feeding schedule and the boys have to be careful to look, not touch. But even so, spending time with this family has brought the normalcy we feared we'd have to live without while in Houston. The simple pleasure of being around another young, like-minded family. It's something we may have taken for granted in our life back home the way it was supposed to be.

The Pollards rescuing me and Augie while Walter was away!
Cinco de Mayo...my first time over at a friends house in months!
I could go on for days about how well we get along with this precious couple. We couldn't ask for a better family to be our go-to guide to hospital life and parenthood. They've fed us in and out of the hospital. They've rescued me when I was lonely during one of Walter's trips home. Justin and Walter have enjoyed golf, softball, and a few beers along the way. And Casey has been my go-to for girl's nights and endless paragraphs of venting in the form of text.

Our one outing with no baby...the rodeo!
Justin and Walter at softball
We are grateful for having connected with this precious little family. It's just one more of the many blessings that have blossomed our of the biggest challenge of our lives. Sometimes finding out who your friends are means forming new friendships altogether. Here's to many more memories between the Spurlocks and the Pollards!



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When reality becomes real

Thursday, May 25, 2017

It's so easy to get caught in the la-la-land that is denial. And sometimes it's not all that bad. It's keeps us going when life gets real tough. Despite moving across the state for now half-a-year, going to the cardiologist once-a-week, and seeing our son's oxygen sats in the 70's every night when we "plug him in"...we still get caught up in his giggles, his peek-a-boo's, his ability to be so normal. We take him out and get compliments from strangers just like the families I looked at longingly before.
Augie refusing his hospital crib after his heart cath procedure.
Then we get those REAL reality checks. We certainly got one last week when Augie's sats dipped after his heart cath. Spending just one night and two days in the hospital brought back a lot of stress and worry. His condition is a reality to us every day; the severity of it is what's easy to forget while he looks and acts so O-K.

We got another reality check this morning when we found out of the passing of Walter's Uncle Fred. He was Walter's only true living uncle. This is a complete and devastating blow to our family. We are heartbroken and in shock. It wasn't but two months ago that Fred drove Walter's Nana to Houston from San Antonio just to see Augie for two hours before heading back to their home in the Panhandle. He took good care of his mother. He was charismatic, generous and true to his character. Fred unapologetically sported his cowboy hat and loud accent everywhere he went. And we absolutely loved him for it. To say he will be missed is an understatement.
Augie getting to meet his precious Nana and Uncle Fred.
The news came at a hard time. Yesterday while we were having a normal day at the aquarium, the surgeons office called to confirm Augie's next surgery. Wednesday, June 7th. Two weeks. I've been saying that we're looking forward to it for months. Now that it's really here, I am absolutely dreading it. I wish we could just run away from all this and it would somehow become untrue. I want to protect his bounciness, his smiles, his laugh (the most precious sound I have ever heard).

Last week in the hospital, I remembered how sick he has to get before he can get better. I remembered the day after his first surgery; how he began to go into cardiac arrest out of nowhere. How doctors had to pump him with air and then pure adrenaline to keep his heart going. How he had to be rushed back for a second surgery. How they had to completely stop his heart and cool him down to buy more time for the extensive operation.
Father-son moment at the aquarium. 
I pray this next stay if far less dramatic, but there are no such promises in life. I've learned the hard way not to bargain with God. The reality is CHD has robbed families we've developed connections with of their precious babies...while miracles have happened to others. What I will do is pray for strength for myself and Walter as we face our next big hurdle. I will continue to be thankful for every precious moment we've gotten as a family. I'll remember to be grateful for Augie's resilience and spirit. This kid is amazing.

Reality. It really bites sometimes, but there's no avoiding it. Tonight as our day winds down, I will find peace in knowing Augie has one more precious angel watching over him in Uncle Fred. And he's not the only one. Our family and community have lost several other special people this year. It's been a tough one but we won't crumble. We'll live, we'll hope, we'll love. Life is simply too short not to make it count. Thank you all for reading and for your constant love and support.
One of the funnest nights of my life thanks to Fred (Vegas, 2010).




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The glass case of emotions that is the NICU

Sunday, May 14, 2017

We interrupt your scheduled programming with a special treat. In honor of Mother's Day, I wrote a sonnet. LOL. I tend to be more productive if there's a deadline or challenge at hand. I challenged myself to complete this one in 24 hours. I'm no Shakespeare, and I'm sure it breaks some rules. But it's interesting to reflect on how much can be said in 14 simple lines. I hope you enjoy it!

 You made me a mommy, by Nicole G. Spurlock

Your creation brought the uttermost glee,
And the tummy flutters made it to be true.
Becoming a mother was everything to me.
Would we buy pink or would we buy blue?
But the questions became more complex than that.
Our baby's little heart was not quite right,
And I was left to research every term, outcome and stat.
They said you would face one heck of a fight.
But now you are here;
You have fire in your eyes.
And though certain warnings caused fear;
Thoughts of imperfection turned out to be lies!
You are immaculate in every single way.
And I'm grateful to be your mommy every single day!

Photo by Lentille Photography
Now on to our scheduled programming...

I've been wanting to talk about this since our son was born almost five months ago. He was quickly transferred via sky bridge to the Level IV NICU at Texas Children's West Tower. This isn't your average NICU. Offering the highest care level possible, it's home to more than 2,500 newborns each year. Augie stayed in the NICU's special "heart pod" before he was taken up to the CVICU on Christmas Day. Those nine days taught me a lot and ultimately primed me to be the heart warrior advocate I am today. Here are the lessons I learned:

1. The NICU turns you into a crazy, protective, savage b@!%$.

I'm serious. Those first few days I felt like a lioness willing to devour the head of anyone who dared not to sanitize well enough around my cub. Or a snake willing to strike at those who dared to stand too close. Whatever the most protective mother is in the primitive world, that was me. At times, I acted irrational and unreasonable, even snapping at my own loved ones.

I've simmered down since then but still show moments of ferociousness. And the truth is...I do it unapologetically. Yes, I did probably overreact at times. However, I will never regret acting protective over my baby, especially when he was at his most vulnerable. Anyone offended along the way will understand (if they're anyone who matters).

2. No human woman can fully recover from childbirth in an "open pod" NICU.

It's ridiculous. We are brand new mothers. NO...we aren't going to go "rest at home." It doesn't work like that. We are going to want to spend every waking moment possible at our babies' side. For me that meant sometimes acquiring a chair that reclined 3/4 of the way....but was barely long enough to support my head while in the "reclined" position. Hmmmm.

Because I couldn't nurse my intubated baby, I requested a pump to be brought to his bedside and religiously pumped every three hours. When it was available, Walter's parents would graciously pull around a divider to shield me. Otherwise, I pulled on my cover and went for it. I then slowly shuffled my way over the the milk bank, holding my uterus as it contracted, to turn in my fresh milk. It's unpleasant. But it's reality. I won't even go into bathroom breaks. Those were just torture...especially when the one bathroom in the actual unit was occupied.

I was convinced to go home and "rest" for a few hours most nights. Those hours included a short sitz bath, a heating pad while I pumped, and a couple hours of sleep. Then back to "work" at the hospital. Stand, sit, awkwardly recline, pump, shuffle to milk bank, shuffle to bathroom, shuffle to cafeteria, repeat. Thank goodness for my night owl of a father-in-law who often took the 3 a.m. shift!

3. Despite the impossible recovery, you feel like SUPERWOMAN at times. 

I didn't fully realize how much I hadn't recovered till Augie was released when he was a month old. I think it was day three of him in the NICU that I felt like I could run a marathon...OK...maybe walk a half-a-mile. Still. I felt great! I guess it was adrenaline. He just gave me such a drive to keep going every day. I wanted to put a little makeup on. I wanted to at least put my hair in a cute bun. I wanted my baby to see me smiling and looking pretty. Despite everything, I wanted to be my "put together" self. Then I'd look in the mirror during one of my bathroom breaks and realize my shirt was inside-out. Hey, I tried!

4. You will get a crash course in nursing and med school!

As dumb as you get when you're pregnant (it's not nice but it's true), you will make up for it ten-fold when you have a sick kid. Let's start with the acronyms. Even this State of Texas certified teacher couldn't believe alllll the acronyms. I'm all FOFA now (full of freaking acronyms).

In order to keep up with the genius doctors during their rounds, you begin having desperate flash backs of that one time you took "HOSA" classes in high school. You only thought you wanted to go into the med field. Oh riiiight. I should've paid more attention the week we learned the cardiovascular system instead of obsessing over my nail polish and whether I should cut bangs.

On top of that, you develop many new talents such as: taking blood pressures, counting BPM's, reading and adjusting settings on monitors, administering medications, perfectly placing the band-aid for the pulse oximeter, putting on leads, putting on nears, reading and knowing the order in which the technician performs the echocardiograms, using props to cushion and comfort your newborn when he can't be cuddled, etc. You also begin to learn enough to keep up with the doctors during their rounds. It feels pretty amazing when they look up from their computer screens and say, "wow, that's a great question!"

5. You realize that the actual nurses are straight up saints.

I don't know how they deal. Adorable, tiny, sick babies day in, day out. They walk in, all smiles, and work a 12-hour shift in a place that offers not a speck of natural light whatsoever. They're careful, diligent, observant and oh so caring. They love on your baby when you can't. They find special ways to make him (and you) comfortable.

We spent Christmas Eve in the NICU and got transferred up to the CVICU for Christmas and New Years. It sucked. But I wasn't alone. I had my baby, husband and in-laws. What about our nurses? They only had us. They were hugging us. They were eating Christmas treats with us. They were making baby-foot-adorned Christmas ornaments for us. They were toasting us with sparkling cider at the stroke of midnight.

Don't even get me started on the beeps! I would hear those monitors after leaving the hospital. I still hear them in my dreams. How these amazing individuals deal, I do not know! I would say the tragedy they face at times would be unbearable...but I'd like to think they see twice as many miracles. And they have a part in that. God bless our amazing nurses!

Made all comfy by one of his fab nurses! 
6. You will test your marriage.

My husband has surprised me in ways I could've never imagined in all of this. He came up with his own amazing questions for the doctors. He monitored vitals and took down information on his phone. He has always been the one to "groom" Augie. To this day, I haven't attempted to use the baby nail clippers. I also watched him change his first diaper everrrrr in the NICU, and yes, it was a good number two! :)

In our case, our son's condition has brought us closer than ever, but it wasn't always all roses. We learned we had to work harder than ever to communicate with each other. We have to try our best to not speak out of turn when the doctors are in the room. We have to discuss every plan and every decision carefully with each other. We have to be a team. I'm so proud of how well we've been able to do that so far.

7. Lastly, you will feel a love like you've never felt before.

My heart hurt thinking about Augie's little broken heart. It still does. I can physically feel how much I love him. It's nearly indescribable. The elation you feel seeing your newborn for the first time is simply out of this world. He is the greatest gift I have ever received. I've said it before and I'll say it again...I would never trade any of this for a "perfectly healthy baby." He is perfect in every way to me...even if he comes with a little extra maintenance. He made me a mommy and it's the most beautiful feeling!

Thanks for keeping up with my blog! Right now we are awaiting Augie's cardiac cath procedure on Wednesday. Surgery will hopefully be scheduled in the coming weeks as well! We appreciate all the kind wishes and prayers! xoxoxo -Nicole 




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What is life?

Sunday, April 23, 2017

What is life?!? It's a silly question understood by myself, an older-end Millennial and my students, true Gen-Zer's. Many differences set the two age groups apart, but one draws a clear line: My generation created and adapted to using social media, Gen-Z knows nothing else.

Freshman on Halloween. (I love teaching Freshman so much)
Our commonalities allow us to bond while I attempt to set a good example to my impressionable pupils. Yet me falling into the older of the tech generations is also why I have such a love-hate relationship with sharing feelings online. In the case of exposing my son Augie's heart story, I do feel that cautiously sharing has done more good than harm. In fact, the times I chosen not to share, have seemed to lead to a lot of misconception and confusion. 

But that's not entirely what this is about. This post is about figuring out, "What is life?" --So what is it? It's doing the best you can. It's telling the truth. It's fighting for those you love the most. I love my students (and co-workers) more than they know. (The nights I sleep for three hours in a row), I have dreams about my classroom, planning the prom, coaching golf. I miss their skepticism, their innocence, their humor. They truly helped me get through my pregnancy. At the time, it was the hardest thing I'd ever gone through.

Charlie "feeling my pain"
Start of my third trimester in my classroom
Pregnant me as illustrated by my student, Daisy R.
 I wish I could be two places at once. --A phrase I've used in the past...but I've never meant it as much as I do now. Battling Augie's heart condition has turned out to be more positive than I imagined. However, the experience of coming to Houston and awaiting surgery is taking a lot longer than I anticipated. We've been here for more than five months...almost half a year. It's not what I hoped for, but I still have a son. I have a son that is four months old! That wasn't promised when my husband and I set out on this life-saving adventure. We are forever thankful. Yet I am missing huge milestones; games, tournaments, the prom...and soon...graduation. 

So, back to my question: What is life? For me right now, it's doing what I've been tirelessly doing for the past four months. I need to devote my every waking hour to my precious blessing, Augie. That's why I can't go back to teaching next school year. No one can take better care of my son than I can. In some ways it's a dream come true to be able to stay at home with him yet my eyes are filled with tears. I guess I (and probably everyone) knew it was inevitable. It's not a shocker. Sunray High School needs me, but I'm realizing that the reason this is so hard is because of how much I need it. 

Augie rocking his awesome laugh and awesome scar! 
Warning: this paragraph is a little preachy but targeted at younger people that may be reading. Here's one last lesson from Mrs. Spurlock (a Spanish teacher that tends to get off topic). Choosing to have a child comes with huge (and sometimes unknown) responsibilities. My husband and I could've never fully prepared for a baby with CHD, but I'm glad we were equipped to handle it. We were as ready as we could've been. Young people need to consider all possibilities when they make serious choices in their relationships. So while I have professional responsibilities and goals, I now have to accept that my number one priority is and always will be my son.

 So when I consider lessons learned from my students...What is life? 

Laughing as often as possible. Never taking any moment too seriously. Appreciating the present but having faith in what the future will bring.  

Accomplishing a life's goal of taking students, fellow teachers and parents to Spain! 
Thank you for reading. Please continue to pray for our family. Specifically, Augie as he faces another standard echocardiogram and weigh-in at his appointment this week. We pray the findings show his heart function is still stable and that he is still steadily gaining weight. We also pray that his upcoming heart cath study will go smoothly and that he will ultimately receive the operation he needs to be cleared to leave Houston! Our family truly misses and needs the comforts of home! 



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Turning crapped-on into consecrated

Monday, April 3, 2017

Top of my mind, bottom of my list...that's writing lately. Fortunately, putting it off for so long has resulted in a much better post (I hope). A few weeks ago I really wanted to vent about how hard life was. How miserable it is trying to get Augie to gain weight. I wrote about five paragraphs about how torturous it is to get a baby with a heart condition to eat. Then one day I highlighted the entire entry and hit delete. The post wouldn't helped anybody and it wouldn't have changed our circumstances.

It's true, Augie has a long road ahead. But, he IS doing great right now. He's the happiest little man I know! He may not be gaining as fast as we like, but he is gaining. Life is good. God is good. So here are some of my sincerest thoughts, reflections and prayers. Here are three reminders that have turned my life from crapped-on to consecrated.

Augie mesmerized by his "glowy toy"

1. My kid is a real badass.

Up to this point, I've been apprehensive about sharing specific details on his diagnosis and for good reason. Things change. Doctors discover new things. Our new thing (diagnosed after birth) is a little known condition called Heterotaxy Syndrome. This extremely rare anomaly is the whole reason Augie's heart is so messed up. There are varying degrees and it can wreck havoc on the body during its formation in hundreds of different ways. To quote some online advocates--Heterotaxy isn't a Congenital Heart Defect...but it almost always causes them. 

In Augie's case it caused a large hole where the chambers of his heart should be separated. It caused his heart's aorta to be malposed. It formed his heart with two SVC's, the major vein returning deoxygenated blood to the heart. And the reason he had to have surgery shortly after birth, it caused a narrowing of his pulmonary artery, restricting blood flow from the heart to the lungs.

Believe it or not, none of these defects have actually been "fixed." Instead, doctors will most likely continue to address these complexities through stages of palliative surgery. However, we are still holding out hope for what's called a bi-ventricular repair, in which his heart function could possibly be made "normal." More on that, and the other possible issues related to his condition later.

Time to address the big BUT in all of this. It's what I mentioned at the start. He is a badass (no I can't think of a better word). No one can change my son's chemical makeup, his personality, his drive. Knowing him now, I would choose him 100 times over another child with a healthy heart. He simply amazes us every day. He repeats sounds, he kicks and touches his toes. He smiles and laughs constantly. He listens when we speak or read to him. He lets us know he loves us. And in turn we love him so much it hurts. He is feisty and strong-willed. He is so good natured. You can see it in his eyes. He is going to touch lives. I guess he already has.

Posing for his 3 month photo

2. Someone else is always going through something worse.

I can't tell you how many other parents I've secretly envied. It sounds demented...but I know other moms in my position have felt the same way. If only it was a VSD or even just TGA. If only Augie had a smaller list of problems. Why can't it be a simple fix? If only he was a premie...or sick with a treatable infection. Why can't he have everyday baby problems?

DISCLAIMER: I am in no way dismissing any sickness in babies and children. They are all serious. They are all tough. They are all unfair and terrifying. So the point I'm trying to make: It's all relative.

There are parents in that hospital down the street watching their children fight for their lives at this very moment. There are moms who have gone weeks without holding their babies. They've spent months at a time listening to the dreadful beeps. Experiencing the infamous "roller coaster" that is ICU life. They would do anything to be in my position. To be able to bring their baby to a temporary home and live a semi-normal life. We have freedom. We have real family time. We get to hold and love on our baby without IV's, arterial lines, SPO2 monitors (this we still do have at night), leads, nears, tubes, etc. We really are blessed and grateful. It can be so much worse. We pray for our fellow heart friends at TCH every day.

Family outing to the Houston Shell Open to celebrate our 2nd wedding anniversary

3. This is life. Right now. Not tomorrow. Not five years from now.

I can't obsess over the future when we're past all this. We may never get past it. But right now, right this second, my baby is sucking on his fingers and grinning at me. He's vying for my attention. So I'll take my 2nd, my 5th, my 20th break from compiling this post to talk to him. I'll tell him I'm proud of him and that he looks like his dad. I'll make him giggle when I stick out my tongue.

I'm not saying I won't plan, pray and hope tenaciously for his future. But I won't let my desires overcome these precious moments. I will never get them back. This is life. Right now. He's out of the hospital. He's acting like a normal baby, despite his underlying medical issues and what's to come.

That's why we've tried to make the best of things while in Houston and outpatient. We go out and get fresh air at least once a day. We enjoy walking trails and take Augie out to places we feel pose little threat to his health. We time our adventures carefully so that can he eat at home every three hours, even if that means coming and going several times in a day. We've made some lasting memories that will shed a different light on this journey than I had originally predicted.

Accidental trip to watch the Rice Owls play baseball
As always...I have too many things to talk about. I'm also starting to feel a call to help others in our situation. They say goals are just dreams until they're written down:
  1. To help raise money for congenital heart disease research and Texas Children's Hospital. 
  2. To bring more awareness to Heterotaxy Syndrome. It's so rare...it's apparently not worth researching or funding. According to the NIH, It affects only 1 in 10,000 people worldwide. However, this number is likely low due to underreporting and/or misdiagnosis. What's more, doctors have no idea what causes it and have identified little genetic implications. 
  3. To bring comfort to fellow heart moms trying to recover from child birth in the worst possible place...an ICU. There are so many little things that could help with healing, coping and overall happiness during what's likely the scariest time in that woman's life. 
There, I said it. Now I have no choice but to turn adversity into action. As always, thank you for reading and for your continued prayers and support! <3 Nicole 






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Not his time

Friday, February 24, 2017

This post is wayyyyy dated. It was originally written in the weeks leading up to January 17th, the day we got discharged from the hospital. I'm not sure why I couldn't publish. I think I needed to keep it for myself a little longer. I tend to only share the positive...avoiding the stomach churning photos of my son post-op...twice over. He had lines coming out of every extremity, drainage tubes in his abdomen, a huge raw wound on his chest, breathing and feeding tubes in his nose, etc. I still want to protect him from the vulnerability of it all. Yet I fear I'm not giving him the credit he deserves for his fight when all people see is him happy and healthy. So I will attempt to respectfully tell his story while protecting the photos and thoughts I consider most sensitive. And I'll keep sharing all of the pretty ones! :) 

Photo by Lentille Photography
On December 29th, we almost lost our little William Agustin. He was less than two weeks old. This story is only a fraction of our overall experience in Houston...but it's the one that has left the biggest mark on our family.

1.5.17
I'm rolling out of bed at 4 a.m. for a date with my breast pump. I'm hoping to make it quick so I can sneak in a couple more hours of sleep before rushing back to Texas Children's Hospital to see my three-week-old son. Sleeping at the hospital again wasn't an option. There's no way anyone can properly recover from childbirth in the small upright chairs they allow at the bedside. No such thing as privacy and sofa beds in the Cardiovascular-ICU. The five minute drive makes gives me so much anxiety I want to pull my hair out.

My husband reacts to my breaking the silence with a "shh shh shhhhhh" in his sleep. Adorable yet sad. That's because we've spent the last few days endlessly "sushing" our baby while he screams his way through sedation withdrawals. They don't tell you that part. They don't explain how plain pissed off and miserable your child will be after he starts to open his eyes and move around. Meanwhile, the doctors try their best to figure out the perfect balance of medications to comfort him, yet not over do it. Maybe today will be a better day. It will certainly will never be as bad as last Thursday, undeniably the worst day of my entire life.

Augie showing off his muscles, photo by Lentille Photography 
12.29.16
It had been less than 10 hours since Augie's first heart surgery. They placed what's called a BT shunt to allow for proper pulmonary blood flow. In essence installing a tube the width of angel hair pasta to temporarily stop him from going blue. It doesn't even begin to correct his anatomy...but it buys time.

After a nail biting day of updates every hour-and-a-half for a seven hour period, all had gone according to plan. He had survived his first night post-op but was still pretty sedated. I listened to the TV and pumped at his bedside (story of my life). Meanwhile, Walter was just getting back from a quick trip to the hospital's Starbucks. In all, a pretty uneventful day up to that point.

Then, as the hospital staff would describe it, our son went down fast. The nurse brought in the respiratory therapist and the attending doctor. After a few minutes of pumping him with air, the doctor urged, --"push the code button...NOW." Walter and I were pushed into a tiny corner of the room while the rest of the floor staff ran in. All I could see was the attending's profile as she demanded, --"more epinephrine, prep an OR!!!"

The surgeon was rushed in, having just finished another operation down the hall. One of his assistants shakily passed Walter the surgery release contract we had signed a day earlier in a calmer conference room setting. Then the attending brought me in closer before they wheeled our baby away. --"Talk to him, mom. Tell him to hang in there." At that point I had been sobbing so hard, I'm not sure my words were intelligible much less inspirational. But I tried my best to tell him to hold on and keep fighting. Walter and I were left clenching each other, crying, and eventually looking around Augie's empty hospital room that now resembled a war zone. Syringes, gloves, vials thrown all over the floor. The whole event lasted less than 30 minutes before he was taken back for a repeat of the surgery he had had the day prior.

We could never admit it to each other, but we were both thinking it. Our son almost died in front of our eyes. A few days later, the attending confirmed those thoughts by casually saying, --"Hey, at least we didn't have complete cardiac arrest." She could get away with it...she did save his life. They couldn't tell us why his shunt failed. Either it clotted or kinked off...all they know is it stopped working.

I know God was in the room that day. I remember trying to block every fear I had with silent prayer. Thank goodness for the nurses, the attending doctor, the surgeon, and all others involved. Though we would've preferred to avoid the event all together, we're glad it happened at the moment it did. Our son lived. To spare myself anymore post traumatic stress on the topic...I'll stop there.

Photo by Lentille Photography
1.15.17
Fast forward. Augie's little shunted heart has been supplying blood to his lungs and pumping enough oxygenated blood to his body for more than two weeks now. Praise the Lord. He's been doing so well, in fact, we got moved down to a "step down" unit almost a week ago. He's been eating like a champ and sleeping very peacefully with mom and dad at his bedside 24/7. It looks like we will even get released to our local apartment soon!

Now before anyone gets too excited...this doesn't mean we are going home to the Panhandle just yet. We've accepted the reality that our journey isn't over. We know and understand that the operation(s) he's had so far are only palliative or "bridges" to allow him to gain some weight for the next. He's currently surviving on oxygen saturations in the 80's. Those of us with normal hearts are at 95 to 100 percent saturation. That's why we must stay close to his cardiologists and heart surgeon for the time being.

Photo by Lentille Photography
2.24.17
While a part of me longs for our little man's heart to just be fixed already...that's simply not the way it works. I have to be grateful for his existence and this process. Years ago he wouldn't have made it this far. So we will take it step by step. Next up? Another surgery. But to ensure a more successful outcome, he must gain weight! And that is no easy task considering the many factors that prevented him from putting on any weight at the hospital. Soooo here are our requests...pray Walter and I will continue to be graced with patience. We are working so hard at this weight gain stuff. And, of course, pray Augie continues to do his part. As always...thank you and God bless!


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Humbled in Houston

Tuesday, December 6, 2016

A millennial living in the Instagram world, each milestone in my adult life has been documented with an artsy filter and catchy caption. I had the dream wedding, went on perfect vacations, caught the most magnificent sunsets. The expected lifestyle of a married, educated, 20-something person living in America captured in perfect little squares for all her friends to heart. It's the same perfection I envisioned in sharing the arrival of my first-born child with the world. I still love Instagram, but man...have I been humbled.

A perfectly imperfect moment captured by m.roberts photography
I remember our pastor discussing humbling experiences days within us finding out the news of William's heart defect. He said something to the effect of--right when you think you've got it all, when you're on top of the world, God can knock you down. You can be suddenly and utterly humbled. This was an especially difficult message to accept. After all, I thanked God for my blessings in life everyday. Wasn't that enough? What did I do to deserve this? 

After much reflection, I realize it's not about who deserves what. I (we) got handed a crappy card, but it doesn't mean the whole hand stinks. When something terrible happens in life, you can choose to undergo a certain change. That change involves truly and wholly appreciating every good moment. A good ole' reminder to "count your blessings" is all it takes. Cliche or not, it's an important message to never lose sight of. My life is beautiful and blessed, even when it's not perfect. 

So let's talk about some more of those blessings. Besides doctor's appointments, we've been able to do quite a bit during our extended "baby moon" in Houston. Waiting on William has included going to countless delicious restaurants. If you ever need a place, don't bother with Yelp. I can get you squared away on everything from steak to Mediterranean, small plates to southern! This week, however, we made a trip to the grocery store and I made five different freezer meals in one night. I figured eating out is going to get old eventually! We've also made it to the zoo, twice. We first checked in with the feathered and hoofed during the day (skipped the reptiles). Then, we went to "Zoo Lights" with Walter's family on Thanksgiving night. Pretty magical if you love Christmas or have a soul! ;)
Me and my sister-in-law Jennie at Zoo Lights
Let's see, what else? Well, I've been to the Galleria and Highland Village for Christmas shopping a good handful of times. We went to the Museum of Natural Science to check out the dinosaurs with my family. We've walked around Hermann Park and the whimsical Centennial Gardens. And we've also frequented the Rice Village area for its shops and restaurants. These last few items all a stones throw from our apartment complex. We've caught up with friends...old and new. My husband and I have also been able to enjoy each other, soaking in the last of life when it was just us. Oh and then there's the weather. It's pretty fabulous when you are not a fan of Panhandle winters. Life isn't too shabby.

Walter ice skating at the Galleria 😀
Still, our situation is less than ideal. What I would give some nights to be back in my actual bed. My eyes water and my heart throbs every time we get sent a picture of our dog back home, staying with relatives (whom we can never repay). The letters we receive on a daily basis have the same effect. I've never known what it really means to feel homesick until now. I can recall awkwardly trying to comfort a friend at cheer camp or freshman year at college. Those few individuals who physically hurt because of it. I now understand that feeling. I know how bad it hurts to yearn for the comforts of home. To miss my dog, my bed, my students and co-workers, my friends and family.

39-weeks pregnant 

At Centennial Gardens
As soon as I want to crumble, I remember the aforementioned blessings. How fortunate we are to be in this medical hub, awaiting the birth of our son. How lucky we are to have each other to lean on. How much of an incredible blessing our baby boy will be, despite any medical troubles he has. 

So, here we wait...and not for much longer. The newest member of our little family will be here any day now! We can't wait to see him for the first time and share him with all of you...Instagram picture perfect or not. The moment will be perfect to us and so will he. Thank you all for the continued positive vibes and prayers. We appreciate every letter, call and message.

There is one more thing I have on my heart. Once Augie arrives, we ask that in lieu of flowers, balloons, bears, etc., anyone wishing to send something simply donate to Texas Children's Hospital instead. The hospital is undergoing expansion and we believe in helping this cause. Please follow the link below to find out how you can help. This would be a great gift to us and our son!


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