You made me a mommy, by Nicole G. Spurlock
Your creation brought the uttermost glee,
And the tummy flutters made it to be true.
Becoming a mother was everything to me.
Would we buy pink or would we buy blue?
But the questions became more complex than that.
Our baby's little heart was not quite right,
And I was left to research every term, outcome and stat.
They said you would face one heck of a fight.
But now you are here;
You have fire in your eyes.
And though certain warnings caused fear;
Thoughts of imperfection turned out to be lies!
You are immaculate in every single way.
And I'm grateful to be your mommy every single day!
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| Photo by Lentille Photography |
I've been wanting to talk about this since our son was born almost five months ago. He was quickly transferred via sky bridge to the Level IV NICU at Texas Children's West Tower. This isn't your average NICU. Offering the highest care level possible, it's home to more than 2,500 newborns each year. Augie stayed in the NICU's special "heart pod" before he was taken up to the CVICU on Christmas Day. Those nine days taught me a lot and ultimately primed me to be the heart warrior advocate I am today. Here are the lessons I learned:
1. The NICU turns you into a crazy, protective, savage b@!%$.
I'm serious. Those first few days I felt like a lioness willing to devour the head of anyone who dared not to sanitize well enough around my cub. Or a snake willing to strike at those who dared to stand too close. Whatever the most protective mother is in the primitive world, that was me. At times, I acted irrational and unreasonable, even snapping at my own loved ones.
I've simmered down since then but still show moments of ferociousness. And the truth is...I do it unapologetically. Yes, I did probably overreact at times. However, I will never regret acting protective over my baby, especially when he was at his most vulnerable. Anyone offended along the way will understand (if they're anyone who matters).
2. No human woman can fully recover from childbirth in an "open pod" NICU.
It's ridiculous. We are brand new mothers. NO...we aren't going to go "rest at home." It doesn't work like that. We are going to want to spend every waking moment possible at our babies' side. For me that meant sometimes acquiring a chair that reclined 3/4 of the way....but was barely long enough to support my head while in the "reclined" position. Hmmmm.
Because I couldn't nurse my intubated baby, I requested a pump to be brought to his bedside and religiously pumped every three hours. When it was available, Walter's parents would graciously pull around a divider to shield me. Otherwise, I pulled on my cover and went for it. I then slowly shuffled my way over the the milk bank, holding my uterus as it contracted, to turn in my fresh milk. It's unpleasant. But it's reality. I won't even go into bathroom breaks. Those were just torture...especially when the one bathroom in the actual unit was occupied.
I was convinced to go home and "rest" for a few hours most nights. Those hours included a short sitz bath, a heating pad while I pumped, and a couple hours of sleep. Then back to "work" at the hospital. Stand, sit, awkwardly recline, pump, shuffle to milk bank, shuffle to bathroom, shuffle to cafeteria, repeat. Thank goodness for my night owl of a father-in-law who often took the 3 a.m. shift!
3. Despite the impossible recovery, you feel like SUPERWOMAN at times.
I didn't fully realize how much I hadn't recovered till Augie was released when he was a month old. I think it was day three of him in the NICU that I felt like I could run a marathon...OK...maybe walk a half-a-mile. Still. I felt great! I guess it was adrenaline. He just gave me such a drive to keep going every day. I wanted to put a little makeup on. I wanted to at least put my hair in a cute bun. I wanted my baby to see me smiling and looking pretty. Despite everything, I wanted to be my "put together" self. Then I'd look in the mirror during one of my bathroom breaks and realize my shirt was inside-out. Hey, I tried!
4. You will get a crash course in nursing and med school!
As dumb as you get when you're pregnant (it's not nice but it's true), you will make up for it ten-fold when you have a sick kid. Let's start with the acronyms. Even this State of Texas certified teacher couldn't believe alllll the acronyms. I'm all FOFA now (full of freaking acronyms).
In order to keep up with the genius doctors during their rounds, you begin having desperate flash backs of that one time you took "HOSA" classes in high school. You only thought you wanted to go into the med field. Oh riiiight. I should've paid more attention the week we learned the cardiovascular system instead of obsessing over my nail polish and whether I should cut bangs.
On top of that, you develop many new talents such as: taking blood pressures, counting BPM's, reading and adjusting settings on monitors, administering medications, perfectly placing the band-aid for the pulse oximeter, putting on leads, putting on nears, reading and knowing the order in which the technician performs the echocardiograms, using props to cushion and comfort your newborn when he can't be cuddled, etc. You also begin to learn enough to keep up with the doctors during their rounds. It feels pretty amazing when they look up from their computer screens and say, "wow, that's a great question!"
5. You realize that the actual nurses are straight up saints.
I don't know how they deal. Adorable, tiny, sick babies day in, day out. They walk in, all smiles, and work a 12-hour shift in a place that offers not a speck of natural light whatsoever. They're careful, diligent, observant and oh so caring. They love on your baby when you can't. They find special ways to make him (and you) comfortable.
We spent Christmas Eve in the NICU and got transferred up to the CVICU for Christmas and New Years. It sucked. But I wasn't alone. I had my baby, husband and in-laws. What about our nurses? They only had us. They were hugging us. They were eating Christmas treats with us. They were making baby-foot-adorned Christmas ornaments for us. They were toasting us with sparkling cider at the stroke of midnight.
Don't even get me started on the beeps! I would hear those monitors after leaving the hospital. I still hear them in my dreams. How these amazing individuals deal, I do not know! I would say the tragedy they face at times would be unbearable...but I'd like to think they see twice as many miracles. And they have a part in that. God bless our amazing nurses!
6. You will test your marriage.
My husband has surprised me in ways I could've never imagined in all of this. He came up with his own amazing questions for the doctors. He monitored vitals and took down information on his phone. He has always been the one to "groom" Augie. To this day, I haven't attempted to use the baby nail clippers. I also watched him change his first diaper everrrrr in the NICU, and yes, it was a good number two! :)
In our case, our son's condition has brought us closer than ever, but it wasn't always all roses. We learned we had to work harder than ever to communicate with each other. We have to try our best to not speak out of turn when the doctors are in the room. We have to discuss every plan and every decision carefully with each other. We have to be a team. I'm so proud of how well we've been able to do that so far.
7. Lastly, you will feel a love like you've never felt before.
My heart hurt thinking about Augie's little broken heart. It still does. I can physically feel how much I love him. It's nearly indescribable. The elation you feel seeing your newborn for the first time is simply out of this world. He is the greatest gift I have ever received. I've said it before and I'll say it again...I would never trade any of this for a "perfectly healthy baby." He is perfect in every way to me...even if he comes with a little extra maintenance. He made me a mommy and it's the most beautiful feeling!
Thanks for keeping up with my blog! Right now we are awaiting Augie's cardiac cath procedure on Wednesday. Surgery will hopefully be scheduled in the coming weeks as well! We appreciate all the kind wishes and prayers! xoxoxo -Nicole
I'm serious. Those first few days I felt like a lioness willing to devour the head of anyone who dared not to sanitize well enough around my cub. Or a snake willing to strike at those who dared to stand too close. Whatever the most protective mother is in the primitive world, that was me. At times, I acted irrational and unreasonable, even snapping at my own loved ones.
I've simmered down since then but still show moments of ferociousness. And the truth is...I do it unapologetically. Yes, I did probably overreact at times. However, I will never regret acting protective over my baby, especially when he was at his most vulnerable. Anyone offended along the way will understand (if they're anyone who matters).
2. No human woman can fully recover from childbirth in an "open pod" NICU.
It's ridiculous. We are brand new mothers. NO...we aren't going to go "rest at home." It doesn't work like that. We are going to want to spend every waking moment possible at our babies' side. For me that meant sometimes acquiring a chair that reclined 3/4 of the way....but was barely long enough to support my head while in the "reclined" position. Hmmmm.
Because I couldn't nurse my intubated baby, I requested a pump to be brought to his bedside and religiously pumped every three hours. When it was available, Walter's parents would graciously pull around a divider to shield me. Otherwise, I pulled on my cover and went for it. I then slowly shuffled my way over the the milk bank, holding my uterus as it contracted, to turn in my fresh milk. It's unpleasant. But it's reality. I won't even go into bathroom breaks. Those were just torture...especially when the one bathroom in the actual unit was occupied.
I was convinced to go home and "rest" for a few hours most nights. Those hours included a short sitz bath, a heating pad while I pumped, and a couple hours of sleep. Then back to "work" at the hospital. Stand, sit, awkwardly recline, pump, shuffle to milk bank, shuffle to bathroom, shuffle to cafeteria, repeat. Thank goodness for my night owl of a father-in-law who often took the 3 a.m. shift!
3. Despite the impossible recovery, you feel like SUPERWOMAN at times.
I didn't fully realize how much I hadn't recovered till Augie was released when he was a month old. I think it was day three of him in the NICU that I felt like I could run a marathon...OK...maybe walk a half-a-mile. Still. I felt great! I guess it was adrenaline. He just gave me such a drive to keep going every day. I wanted to put a little makeup on. I wanted to at least put my hair in a cute bun. I wanted my baby to see me smiling and looking pretty. Despite everything, I wanted to be my "put together" self. Then I'd look in the mirror during one of my bathroom breaks and realize my shirt was inside-out. Hey, I tried!
4. You will get a crash course in nursing and med school!
As dumb as you get when you're pregnant (it's not nice but it's true), you will make up for it ten-fold when you have a sick kid. Let's start with the acronyms. Even this State of Texas certified teacher couldn't believe alllll the acronyms. I'm all FOFA now (full of freaking acronyms).
In order to keep up with the genius doctors during their rounds, you begin having desperate flash backs of that one time you took "HOSA" classes in high school. You only thought you wanted to go into the med field. Oh riiiight. I should've paid more attention the week we learned the cardiovascular system instead of obsessing over my nail polish and whether I should cut bangs.
On top of that, you develop many new talents such as: taking blood pressures, counting BPM's, reading and adjusting settings on monitors, administering medications, perfectly placing the band-aid for the pulse oximeter, putting on leads, putting on nears, reading and knowing the order in which the technician performs the echocardiograms, using props to cushion and comfort your newborn when he can't be cuddled, etc. You also begin to learn enough to keep up with the doctors during their rounds. It feels pretty amazing when they look up from their computer screens and say, "wow, that's a great question!"
5. You realize that the actual nurses are straight up saints.
I don't know how they deal. Adorable, tiny, sick babies day in, day out. They walk in, all smiles, and work a 12-hour shift in a place that offers not a speck of natural light whatsoever. They're careful, diligent, observant and oh so caring. They love on your baby when you can't. They find special ways to make him (and you) comfortable.
We spent Christmas Eve in the NICU and got transferred up to the CVICU for Christmas and New Years. It sucked. But I wasn't alone. I had my baby, husband and in-laws. What about our nurses? They only had us. They were hugging us. They were eating Christmas treats with us. They were making baby-foot-adorned Christmas ornaments for us. They were toasting us with sparkling cider at the stroke of midnight.
Don't even get me started on the beeps! I would hear those monitors after leaving the hospital. I still hear them in my dreams. How these amazing individuals deal, I do not know! I would say the tragedy they face at times would be unbearable...but I'd like to think they see twice as many miracles. And they have a part in that. God bless our amazing nurses!
 |
| Made all comfy by one of his fab nurses! |
My husband has surprised me in ways I could've never imagined in all of this. He came up with his own amazing questions for the doctors. He monitored vitals and took down information on his phone. He has always been the one to "groom" Augie. To this day, I haven't attempted to use the baby nail clippers. I also watched him change his first diaper everrrrr in the NICU, and yes, it was a good number two! :)
In our case, our son's condition has brought us closer than ever, but it wasn't always all roses. We learned we had to work harder than ever to communicate with each other. We have to try our best to not speak out of turn when the doctors are in the room. We have to discuss every plan and every decision carefully with each other. We have to be a team. I'm so proud of how well we've been able to do that so far.
7. Lastly, you will feel a love like you've never felt before.
My heart hurt thinking about Augie's little broken heart. It still does. I can physically feel how much I love him. It's nearly indescribable. The elation you feel seeing your newborn for the first time is simply out of this world. He is the greatest gift I have ever received. I've said it before and I'll say it again...I would never trade any of this for a "perfectly healthy baby." He is perfect in every way to me...even if he comes with a little extra maintenance. He made me a mommy and it's the most beautiful feeling!
Thanks for keeping up with my blog! Right now we are awaiting Augie's cardiac cath procedure on Wednesday. Surgery will hopefully be scheduled in the coming weeks as well! We appreciate all the kind wishes and prayers! xoxoxo -Nicole
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