Introduction 

Up until a few weeks ago life felt nothing short of perfect. I laid in bed with my husband and our dog, rubbed my pregnant belly, and thought about how I got to be so lucky. I had finished up my second year of teaching, taken some of my students on an educational tour to Spain, and my first pregnancy was going as smooth as the summer.


As the month of July came to a close, I was due for my 20-week pregnancy scan. Walter and I had decided we weren't going to find out the sex of the baby because we thought it would be fun to ditch the "gender reveal" trend for the old tradition of dad getting to announce--IT'S A BOY/GIRL! Plus we both agreed it didn't matter what we were having as long as he or she was healthy. Walter's sister was home for a visit and the three of us giggled at cute sonogram images of our little one wiggling around, legs extended all the way to their head. We didn't know the joy and laughter would come to a halt after a curiously long wait to speak with the doctor.

The Truth

After waiting for what seemed to be an eternity, the doctor broke the news. Our baby had a heart defect. The magical cells that made up the perfect baby we saw on the monitor had faced a misstep along the way. I could feel the blood rushing to my head. I felt like vomiting. Every expectant parent's worst nightmare...something was wrong with our baby. A vivid dreamer, I told myself--this isn't real, you'll wake up soon.

I cried the whole ride home. I woke up the next three mornings in tears at the fact that it still wasn't a dream. I thought about everything I had done so far to ensure a perfect pregnancy: I took prenatal vitamins. I conveniently developed an aversion to alcohol before I found out I was pregnant. I was never a smoker. I worked out as I read it could help make labor easier and curb heart defects (oh the irony). I rested and played golf for relaxation. I drank green smoothies. I slept on my left side. I drastically cut down on caffeine. You get the picture. 

So why? Why???? Why the %&*$ was this happening to us!??? I dared questioning God, why? Why would people who are educated, of the appropriate age, married, prepared, etc., face such a defeat? Why can't I go back to worrying about stretch marks, natural birth vs. c-section, weight gain, baby supplies, maternity leave and decorating the nursery? I mean I had prayed for a child since I can remember. I wasn't fortunate enough to grow up in an extremely stable environment. In lots of ways this molded many of the decisions I made in life. I wanted an education, profession, husband, stability...and a healthy, well-planned-for child. 

The truth is it was simply out of our control. I was silly enough to think these things didn't happen to good people. I was ignorant enough to feel envy for the countless people I knew having healthy babies day after day. I was stubborn enough to waste several days not realizing just how much of a blessing this child is.

Acceptance of our new reality 

The third day I woke up crying, I sat on the couch for hours unable to even get up to eat. Finally my husband looked at me and said--Nicole, you can't go on like this. Get up, get ready and let's go play some golf. Huh, that simple? How can he want to play golf right now? The truth is this isn't easy for him either. His heart is breaking too, but thank goodness he was able to be strong for the both of us in that moment. Something inside of me considered his request and before I knew it, we grabbed some lunch to-go and were cruising around on the golf cart. This was the beginning of the extremely humbling experience of accepting things weren't perfect and enjoying life anyway. 

For the past few weeks it hasn't been easy smiling when people ask--how are mama and baby doing? I consider the response--well baby's heart hasn't formed right and mama is on the verge of losing it. But somehow I've learned to smile and say--oh hanging in there, thanks!

Taking action 

I imagine I'll have much more to say on this subject but here's what's going on for now. We're going to the doctor...a lot. Between our usual appointments close to home and now seeing specialists three hours away. It's very overwhelming but so worth it. It turns out, all of this can be fixed and our blood work shows very little risk for chromosomal abnormalities. 

It won't be an easy process but thank goodness we're equipped to take it on. Our baby is going to need serious surgical intervention so we're already making plans to travel across the state to meet with some of the best surgeons in the world. This means we might have to relocate for the last month of my pregnancy or a few months after baby is born. 

I realize now that this baby is such a blessing and will live a beautiful life no matter what the medical outcome. Many times, people don't have this advanced warning. There are so many possibilities of things going wrong in a pregnancy that we're just lucky this one was caught early. On top of that, we're fortunate we were able to conceive in the first place. 

We already feel comfort in the support we've received from family and close loved ones. Everything is going to be OK. So if you've gotten through this post, we only ask you to do a couple of things. Please treat us the same. Invite us to parties and reach out to us if we randomly cross your mind. It helps so much to feel a sense of normalcy. More importantly, pray. Pray for baby Spurlock's health. Pray our little family maintains its strength. Pray for our doctors. Pray for the technology that caught this and the promises it is making to repair our baby's heart. <3